new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Randomize
