Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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