they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
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