Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
She even gives head with a lisp.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
