Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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