Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
