I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
