zippers are such a cool invention
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Randomize
