Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
