Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize