More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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