i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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