How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
