That's when you crack a 10am beer
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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