i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
a search helicopter?!
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
