New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
