I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
me + whiskey = a bad person
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize
