at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
