I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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