remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
