Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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