dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
