i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
