Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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