hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
