mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
My feet surprised me
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