Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
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