don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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