Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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