just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
