I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
