Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
