i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
He passed out mid-signature
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
