So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I intend to get homeless drunk
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
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