can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Semen is not good for contacts.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
foreskin is a definite game changer
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
