I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
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