Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
