I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
