No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
