Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
