singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
