there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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