Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Randomize
