i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
