she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Acid is not a monday night drug
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize