i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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