my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
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