The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
