so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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