i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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