The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
