Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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