either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Randomize
