i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
