Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
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