My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
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