i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
