We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
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